


Gender! Gender! It destroys your life!

by burntoashes



Series: Kpop stuff [1]
Category: Dreamcatcher (Korea Band)
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Non-binary character, dami-centric, mainly dadong, non-binary!dami, the other two are barely there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:15:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29142096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burntoashes/pseuds/burntoashes
Summary: Dami first sees the word on Tumblr, of all places, and now she can’t stop thinking about it
Relationships: Han Dong | Handong/Lee Yubin | Dami, Kim Bora | SuA/Lee Siyeon, Kim Minji | JiU/Kim Yoohyeon
Series: Kpop stuff [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2140038
Comments: 10
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> just a small disclaimer: this is based purely on my own experiences as an agender person and if anyone has any issues with this please don't hesitate to leave a comment  
> also the characters are very ooc because this is basically just me projecting onto Dami

She first sees it when she’s scrolling through Tumblr. Its some stupid joke about the ‘non-binary experience’ and she just rolls her and eyes, wishes some people didn’t have internet access, and moves on. 

Or at least she’s supposed to. 

But she can’t get the word out of her head, and she finally succumbs (too what she doesn’t know) and googles it. Too many things pop up and it’s overwhelming, so she takes the cheat route and clicks on the frequently asked questions. 

It doesn’t take her long, maybe five minutes, to understand the basic concept of it. Theres the gender binary, male and female and anything on that scale, and (as logic suggests) non-binary is anything not on that scale. She learns that most, though definitely not all, non-binary people use they/them pronouns, and there are countless different pronouns. 

She thinks it not that difficult to understand it, but she knows that most people won’t. 

-

She starts to notice it more and more, how people say he or she instead of they, him or her instead of them, boy or girl instead of person, and the more she notices, the more it starts to bother her. She thinks about how many people that excludes, with just a simple phrase, and she soon finds herself snapping angrily at Yoohyeon to just _say ‘they’ for gods sakes_. 

They all stare at her and Handong places a hand on her shoulder. She doesn’t dare look at Handong, instead glancing at the others. Bora and Siyeon mostly seem confused, while Gahyeon seem tense. Worst of all though, is Minji looking at her with those soft, concerned eyes and she can’t take it so she mumbles a brief apology to Yoohyeon and quickly leaves. 

-

She can’t seem to get comfortable in her bed, the sheets resting in all the wrongs places, her body temperature swinging between hot and cold like a pendulum and the shadows teasing her for something she couldn’t quite hear yet. 

She slips out of bed and turns on the light, grateful that Siyeon spent most nights in Bora and Yoohyeon’s (or Bora and Siyeon’s room, now that Yoohyeon had all but moved into Minji’s rooms) room, curled against Bora. 

She looks around aimlessly, wishing Handong was here with, and her eyes catch the mirror. She hasn’t been overly concerned about her appearance for years now. She knows that she’s hot, and that she can be cute, and she knows that other people, namely her fans and Handong, agree with her. 

(Probably Bora too, but she doesn’t want to think about that.)

But now, staring at her reflection, she thinks that it doesn’t look the same as it did before. Something about the way her pyjamas lie, or maybe how her hair falls, seems to have changed the shape of her body. 

It doesn’t seem right and she quickly turns of the light and gets back into bed, covering her body with the duvet and hoping that it’ll go back to its normal shape in the morning. 

-

It doesn’t. 

And she manages to ignore right up until their next performance, a month from that night, where she’s given a tight, fitting outfit that doesn’t let her hide anything with her now usual baggy clothes. Normally she would love it, and the stare it earned her from Handong, but now it feels like it going to squeeze her heart out of her chest. 

-

She messes up the rap. It only a slight error and she knows no one that has anything negative to say will notice, but she’s never done it before and her members are looking at her with a concerted gaze. They don't say anything, but she’s certain it’s only because they know that Handong will ask her later. 

For once, though, she doesn’t want to speak to her girlfriend, because she knows she doesn’t have the answer to the question that Handong will ask her. 

And so when Handong walks into her room, that Siyeon is coincidentally absent from, just before she’s about to sleep and just lies next to her, holding her close, she almost cries out of gratitude. 

-

She feels vaguely like a child, hiding her phone from Siyeon under the covers and pretending to be asleep. Except there is this strong feeling of dread hanging over her as she shakily types in ‘non-binary’ into the tumblr search bar. 

(She quietly berates herself for being reduced to the Tumblr mobile app.)

The first blog that shows up is a help blog, with soft colours and a welcoming title and she taps on it, waiting impatiently and its loads. She scrolls down for a bit, finding endless anonymous asks on various topics, always answered with kind and reassuring words, peppered with advice.

It made her heart warm, and the dread receded a bit, seeing how accepting everyone in this space was of everything and anything. It felt like she could be anything here, and she wondered when she started feeling like she couldn’t be with her group. 

-

They had decided that night to start trying some small changes, the first being the pronouns they used for themselves. It felt different, but not uncomfortable, so they had decided to stick with. They weren’t sure enough to tell anyone yet, but they were happy with the small progress they had made.

They slipped up sometimes and called themselves ‘she’ and they started doubting whether or not they actually liked these pronouns, but it slowly started happening less and less, until the word sounded alien in reference to them. 

-

Things were looking up. They weren’t sure when they had started to decline, but they knew that it was getting better now. They were performing better than ever and, most importantly, their bond with their members was stronger than ever. 

They were all celebrating in their waiting room after a performance of their new song and everyone was jumping around the room, hugging and complimenting the others. 

Bora’s loud voice caught their attention and they heard _”-and Yubin’s rap was amazing! I swear its the best she’s-“_

And suddenly all the life drained from them. They visibly sagged and froze, feeling that horrible mixture of dread and discomfort invade their senses until it was all they could focus on. They briefly registered a questioning look from Handong before they were quietly packing up their stuff and slipping out the door to wait by the car. 

-

They learn the word for that awful feeling a week later. Dysphoria. They hate the word. It looks wrong, sounds wrong and feels wrong coming out of their mouth, but they find some comfort in knowing that this wasn’t something they were alone in. 

And with a little more research they come across something called a binder. They look a bit more at peoples advice and take into account all the warnings before deciding that this is something they could try. They find a could suggestion for a place to buy one, and resolve to at least visit it on a day off. 

-

It went better than they expected and they arrive home with a binder sitting in a plastic bag, clutched tightly in their hand. 

They find Handong in the kitchen and she looks at them in surprise. “Oh! Yubin! I wasn’t aware you’d gone out today.”

Her tone is cautious and they feel guilt crawling up their spine as they realise how absent they’ve been from Handong since that performance. The can’t bring themselves to do anything more than mumble an unintelligible answer. 

Handong clears her throat and looks at the bag in their hands. “So… what did you buy?”

The panics kicks in and they rush out a “nothing” before running out the room, shame burning in their cheeks. 

-

They try on the binder and almost cry. It’s some time near two in the morning and they’re staring at their reflections, running their hands over the chest and realising that their reflection was starting to look like them again. 

It hurt though. It hurt quite a lot and they knew they’d have to be careful with this. They quickly take it off and turn off the light, not wanting to ruin the image. They slide into bed with a smile on their face and an aching chest. 

-

The first time they wear the binder in public is months later. Promotions for Odd Eye are over and the group is now taking a break before staring to work on their next comeback. 

Before this, they had only worn the binder at nights, having the room to themselves now that Siyeon had officially moved into Bora’s room and Yoohyeon into Minji’s. There’s a nagging sense of guilt that they can’t invite Handong into their room, but it is washed away by the excitement of the binder. 

They had been slowly extending the time they had been wearing it for, whilst making sure to stick to certain limits. Sometimes they would spend hours just staring at their reflection with the binder or trying on different outfits. 

But now they were sat in a public cafe with the whole group and maybe they weren’t as prepared for this as they thought. No one had mentioned anything or even looked at them funny but they still couldn’t help feel like they were some criminal hiding from the law. 

Handong’s hand slips onto their thigh and rubs a soothing pattern into their skin and they feel the ache in their chest relax. They smile at Handong and silently thank her for being the most amazing girlfriend, despite how distant that had been. 

They manage to enjoy the rest of the dinner, leaning further and further into Handong’s side.

-

Shopping for clothes, they discover, is much harder when you’re a closeted… whatever label they fit. They haven’t decided on one yet and feel no pressure to do so, so haven’t worried about it too much. 

Handong had looked ecstatic when they had asked her if she wanted to go out and do something, just the two of them. Her eyes had brightened and her lips had curled into a wide smile and they felt all their worries leave them. 

She had suggested shopping and they figured that, since they had recently decided at least half of the clothes in their wardrobe were unwearable, it wasn’t such a bad idea. 

They had been wrong, so so wrong. All of the clothes that Handong pulled out for them were perfect for their taste before they realised that they weren’t a girl, and they didn’t know how to tell her that they really couldn’t stand the thought of wearing girls clothes. So it quickly became awkward. 

Handong, not one to let things slide, didn’t take long to question them about it. “Are you sure you want to be here? I know that everything I’ve pulled out so far fits your taste, yet you keep saying no. Why?”

They sigh and watch as Handong’s shoulders slump, quickly realising their mistake.

“You didn’t have to do this, you know? If you don't want to be here, don't be.” Handong’s gaze is cold and they feel frozen, every part of them screaming to just tell her, but unable to carry out the action.

Handong turns to leave, motioning for them to follow. They do so, numbly taking step after step, screaming at them self to say something, anything, but they can’t. 

-

The car ride is tense, and they seem intent on shrinking as far into the side of the car as possible, whilst Handong just stares lazily out the window. They know her well enough to know that she is not nearly as ok as she seems and that her brain will be running a mile a minute, hopelessly trying to figure what mistake she had made. Even if there was none to find. 

So, with that thought in mind, as soon as they arrive back, they take her hand and drag her up to her room. They faintly here some wolf whistles and curse Kim Bora in as many languages they know how. 

Handong look nothing but confused as they shut the door behind them, locking it. 

“I didn’t want to look like a girl” They say quickly, the words coming out in a rush of exhaled air.

Handong looks taken aback, but her eyes quickly soften as she predicts where this will lead. “Why not?”

They take a deep and slowly, carefully, say, “because I’m not one.”

-

They had collapsed into Handong’s arms after that, sobbing into her shoulder. Handong had gently led them to the bed and sat down, pulling them close into her side. It took a long time for them to calm down, and when they managed, they looked up at Handong fearfully.

“Is that ok?”

“Of course it is,” and they were crying again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They've told Handong, and that feels amazing, but there are five other members in the group

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is just how I hope people will react if I ever manage to come out.  
> again its a bit ooc because there were certain things I wanted to include but wasn't sure how so just put them in where I thought was best.  
> also just a quick thank you to the person who wrote the long comment on the last chapter because I don't think I would've written this without that, so thank you

They’re glad that Handong knows, they are, and things have been improving even more with her support, but there’s still the problem of the other members weighing on them. Handong has reassured them continuously that there’s no pressure, they’re not obligated to tell them, and if they don't want to they never have to. 

But they do want to. They want to walk downstairs in the morning with their binder on without having to hide it, they want to hear their friends referring to them as they and them instead of she or her. 

They want their friends to see them the way they see themself.

-

They decide to tell Minji first, because she’s their leader and their rock and nothing could compare to the comfort Minji provides. (Nothing could compare to the pain of Minji’s disappointment either, but they ignore that.)

So know their stood, hands shaking, outside Minji’s room, the only thing keeping them from abandoning this being Handong’s encouraging words and the faint memory of a kiss on their forehead. 

They knock quietly and wait by the door. It opens quickly and Minji’s kind, questioning face almost brings them to tears. But they’re determined to keep them at bay, so they shake their head and clear their throat. 

“I was hoping I could just talk to you about something, like, privately.”

Minji smiles and opens the door wider, leaving space for them to walk through. “Of course.”

-

They’ve been sat on Minji’s bed for at least ten minutes now and they haven’t said anything. They can feel Minji’s concern growing and know that they have to speak soon, but they just don't know what to say. 

They could just say it outright, of course, but that would leave them completely open for Minji to collapse their entire world on top of them. Not that Minji would ever purposely hurt someone, no Minji was too good for that, but would Minji even view them as a person after this?

“Yubin,” Minji’s voice was soft and it filled the void of space with a warm glow, “whatever it is you need to tell me won’t change how I feel about you. You might change, and how I see you might change, but that will never change how much I care about you.”

And those words were more than they ever could have hoped for from their leader so they swallow once, twice, then raise their eyes to meet Minji’s.

“I’m non-binary”

It’s the first time they’ve said those words out loud, and it feels like they’ve just let out a breath they didn’t know they were holding, but now their gasping for air that only Minji can provide right now. 

And when Minji stares right back at them and says, “And I still love you. I’ll always love you, no matter what shape you take,” they feel their lungs inflate and suddenly they can breath again. 

-

Bora and Siyeon come next. They decide to tackle them together as they have always been a pair in everything they do- they’re a package deal. They feel more confident this time, with both Minji and Handong’s support, and they think that they can answer all their questions, cause they know that they will definitely have some. 

(They’ve had a long conversation with Minji about what non-binary means and had been pleasantly surprised to find out that Minji somehow knew more on the topic than they did. But they guessed it was just a motherly instinct of some sort.)

So the two troublemakers sit in front of them, amazingly quiet, waiting for them to collect their thoughts. Siyeon face is scrunched adorably with worry and they can see Bora physically restraining herself from cooing at the sight. They appreciate the effort. 

“So…” they’re not really sure how to say it. Before it had been an emotional reaction, but now they were much calmer and had time to think about how they would phrase it. “I think you might be quite confused now but I just want you to know that i’m still me-“

“We already know you’re gay Yubin, you’re literally dating Handong.” They glare at Bora, but the statement does make them think for a moment. _are they still gay if they’re not a woman? _but they file the thought away for later.__

__“Anyway,” Bora’s teasing is already making them feel more comfortable and they know she did it on purpose, “I actually wanted to tell you something important. I, um, I’m non-binary.”_ _

__The two just stare at them blankly and they sigh, realising that those worlds held zero weight for them as they had no clue what they meant._ _

__“Non-binary means outside of the gender binary. So, basically, male and female are the two ends of the binary gender scale, and anything that fits on that scale is inside the gender binary. Anything, or anyone, who doesn’t fit on that scale is non-binary. And I, uh, don't fit on that scale.”_ _

__Both of them are starting to nod now, understanding dating in their eyes, and it’s Bora who speaks first._ _

__“That makes sense,” they say, “and obviously we’re ok with it and we still love you, but i’m assuming a lot of people aren’t.”_ _

__They watch Siyeon’s eyes darken as they nod, and the weight that had lifted starts to settle again._ _

__“If they try anything,” Siyeon growls, and they shiver, “I will destroy every last one of them.”_ _

__“Ok, as hot as that was, just calm down a bit babe,” Bora smirks and they take that as their cue to leave._ _

__“Ok, that was gross. I am leaving now.”_ _

__“We love you!” Is shouted at their retreating form and they smile widely._ _

__-_ _

__It’s easier every time they say it, and this is obvious in the much smaller time of silence that lingers when they tell Yoohyeon. They know now that it’s easier to just say it outright, and so they knock on her door, stew for a bit, the just tell her._ _

__“I’m non-binary”_ _

__A smirk covers Yoohyeon’s and they can already feel the regret building. “Don't you dare-“_ _

__“Hi non-binary, i’m dad”_ _

__They stare at her with enough murderous intent to kill twenty people but Yoohyeon just beams and wraps them in a tight hug._ _

__“I hate you.” They say through a mouthful of Yoohyeon’s hair._ _

__“And I love you!” Yoohyeon shouts, perfectly playing her part as a human dog._ _

__-_ _

__She doesn’t know how Gahyeon is going to react. She had a vague idea for the others, but Gahyeon is a mystery. They have a different relationship to the others, maybe its an age thing, maybe it’s something else, but, besides Handong of course, Gahyeon probably annoys her the least out of all her friends._ _

__“I’m non-binary.”_ _

__There’s no hesitation this time and they feel proud of themself for it. And it seems pretty standard of a reaction, Gahyeon hugs them, tells them that she stills loves them, but there’s a slight catch in her voice that tells them she’s feeling something more. It isn’t until they feel the wet tears against their shoulder that they understand._ _

__“Gahyeon? Why are you crying?”_ _

__It takes a moment, but eventually Gahyeon mumbles “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” And they understand now. “What did I do to make you feel like you couldn’t trust me?”_ _

__They pull away from the hug and smile at Gahyeon. “It wasn’t you, Gahyeon. I couldn’t tell you sooner because I wouldn’t have known what to say. I promise you did nothing wrong.”_ _

__They’re crying as well now and they just stand there for a moment, Gahyeon back in their embrace, tears streaming down their face._ _

__-_ _

__They step off the stage and walk into their groups waiting room, still euphoric from performing with their binder on. It had been the first time they had tried it, and they had taken extra precautions to make sure it didn’t damage them, and the rap had been harder but they had never felt better after a performance._ _

__“You did well,” Minji says, gently laying a hand on their shoulder, and they can see what she really means by that._ _

__Gahyeon walks past, breathing heavily, and turns back a few seconds later. “By the way, Yubin, you look awesome.”_ _

__They about how this outfit was specifically created for them, with their input, so it would make them look like themself, and smile at the youngest, quickly thanking her._ _

__They move further into the room with plans to change into something less sweaty, but are quickly stopped by a tap on the shoulder. They turn around to face Yoohyeon with their eyebrows raised._ _

__“I can hug you, right? That won’t damage your lungs?”_ _

__They roll their eyes and pull Yoohyeon into a hug, noting how she squeezes less than usual to avoid hurting them._ _

__Bora and Siyeon arrive next, unsurprisingly holding hands and engaged in a loud conversation. Yoohyeon bounds off to join them and they catch some of the conversation before they continue with their outfit._ _

__"- _and did you see their rap, it was so cool! _-"___ _

____They hide their grin and quickly busy themself with the complex task of removing their binder. Their struggling to figure which angle to approach it from from when an arm settles around their waste._ _ _ _

____They see Handong’s face in the reflection of the mirror their clothes had been near, and smile softly. She look ethereal, with a flushed face and a few pieces of hair stuck to her face and a tired smile on her face._ _ _ _

____She pulls out of the back hug and they frown, until she’s stood by their side, gently helping them out of their binder and into their fresh clothes. She places a quick kiss on their lips and their heart swells._ _ _ _

____This is who they are._ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> there will be another chapter to this btw


End file.
